Hey Loves,

A close relative of mine who is approximately 82 yrs old (she'd never disclose her real age...lol) has recently had a stroke.  Like so many of us today, this woman is very strong, handled EVERYTHING, and took care of EVERYONE.  Her husband is lost right now.  She handled all the bills, and all the family finances.  Because she unable to speak right now, no one knows where to begin picking up where she left off. And even more unfortunate, she can't trust her children to do right by her and her husband.  It's a terrible situation.

Luckily my mother who is a very resourceful woman, extremely responsible, and equally as strong as this relative is going to take the lead on making sure everything is taken care of until she gets back to good health.

Through watching this woman go through this very tragic point in her so much of what I have done up until this point in regards to my future has been even more validated. I wanted to share this with all you young parents out there who are only focused on the here and now. 

Please plan for the future.  Get your life insurance NOW, enroll in that 401K now (at least 3% and increase every 5 years by 2%), start putting away in a savings account and please get a college fund started for your children (or some sort of savings specifically for them). Research other lucrative financial investments (and I mean, RESEARCH, don't trust just word of mouth. I don't care if the person telling you the business is a professional or not...do your OWN research).

While we are young we tend to let this go and listen to others who tell us we are "too young" to worry about things like that.  But let me tell you, you are never too young.  In reality, the sooner you begin, the better off you will be later.  Social Security is damn-near guaranteed to not be around by the time we reach retirement age so please don't depend on the federal/state gov't.  Get your paper folks!

Make sure you plan to have someone who you know is responsible enough to take care of things should anything ever happen to you.  It doesn't matter who get's pissed off or jealous (I know how some families are), just choose the right person.

YOU start planning your financial future now.

Danni

Here we are another year.  How did I spend my New Year?  My son had knee surgery on my 32nd birthday (12/28) so since he couldn't go out to enjoy our usual festivities with the family (we usually just go to my mother's or my in-laws house to chill, eat and toast while all the kids dance) I stayed at home with him and we watched the movie 1408 together.  My husband and daughter went to bring in the New Year with the family as is the custom. 

It was quiet in West Oakland.  I could actually count the number of gunshots fired at midnight on one hand, which is a rarity.  More fireworks than anything.

They say the way you bring in the New Year is a prelude of what is to come. My New Year celebration was very peaceful, comfortable, and loving. My son and I toasted some apple cider and joked around.  If this is a preview of what is to come in this New Year, then I must say that I am 100% looking forward to it. 

I pray that there were no casualties, no harm done, and no ill feelings that has spread in to your New Year.  I pray that we all are aware this year.  Aware of ourselves, our children, and the world. 

Please take a moment to reflect on what you have taught your young children up until now.  If you have ever cursed at your young children or called them ugly and hateful names, or inflicted any type of verbal, physical, emotional or mental abuse upon them please make it your New Years Resolution to stop it.  They are our future. They are here because you brought them here.  God blessed you with the gift of bringing life in to this crazy world.  Please love them, please hug them, please cherish the bond you have with your young children and honor it by only planting positive seeds.  When I see mothers or fathers yelling and cursing out their children in public, I cringe at what these babies must go through behind closed doors.  Please stop it. They didn't ask to be here. You brought them here.  And understand that all you teach them (and you are teaching them when you are ranting and raving) is what they will take with them in to their adult lives.  Teach them better than you were taught.  Show them the love that you didn't get.  Undo the vicious cycle in your family (if applicable). 

I am not the perfect mother, but I do strive to be. I've learned to think before I react. I've learned to stop before I go off and think of the outcome first and then reapproach.  I've learned that there is a way to love your children and discipline them without leaving emotional or physical scars.  I have a 13 year old son and a 3 year old daughter.  My goal is to protect them from falling hard, but to also let them fall just enough to learn the lesson.   

As far as life goes, I cry sometimes thinking about the mistakes I might have made in my past, but God tells me to cry no more.  Learn and improve, that is all I can do. If I learn then God knows I have listened.  I believe that is all God wants us to do is listen.

Maybe this blog isn't deep enough for you.  Maybe it is.  That is not my concern.  My concern is only to share with you about today. I hope your tomorrows are full of blessings and that you share those blessings with your children.

Happy New Year! Happy Life!

Danni

So I was going to write a list as I usually do, but I think this takes more of a direct and personal approach so I'm just going to talk about it.  Feel free to comment.  I welcome points of view from all positions, however, please make sure you make sense.  The last thing you want to do is make yourself look like Donkey (Shrek).

Cheating has been debated and talked about since the beginning of life.  However most conversations have come from biased positions.  I mean either it's the men talking about it from a cheater's perspective or it's a woman talking from a victim's perspective.  What we haven't seen is women talking about it from cheater's perspective and a man talking about it from a victim's perspective.  Really....who cares?  There's always a victim and a perp.  On to business...

To those women who know their man is cheating:

If you know your man is cheating, please just quit with the accusatory arguements.  Your only raising your blood pressure and making yourself sick in hopes that he is going to break down and say, "Baby, you're right and I'm sorry. I am cheating." He will never admit it.  You can try to test his manhood by saying things like, "Just be a man and tell the truth," or, "if you were really a man, you would man-up and be real."  None of that is going to work.  He may be crazy for cheating on you, but he isn't stupid. He is not going to admit to anything. 

You can have his boxer-briefs DNA tested and hold the certified, forensic report that proves he's been cheating in his face and guess what he's going to say?..."What are you talking about?"  I understand that you have been through the fire with him, and that you are in love.  And part of you feels like you need to hear the truth from his lips.  You feel he owes you at least THAT much after all that you have been through together.  But guess what....AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.  You know why?  Well for most men (not all) he doesn't want to lose you.  As ridiculous as it sounds, he truly does not want to lose you. 

Most men who cheat love their woman to death and would give up the world to keep her.  However, you must realize that his cheating has absolutely nothing to do with you.  It's not because your not sexy to him. It's not because he's tired of you.  It's because most men (not all) are like little boys when it comes to sex.  He wants to play with a new toy just because it's new. But at the end of the night he wants his nice, soft, cuddly teady bear who he knows he is safe with and who he loves the most.  That's why he tells a thousand lies to keep it from you. 

I am not condoning it at all, however, after talking to my male-friends, observing others, and going through my own drama, I do understand it.  It's a ridiculous methodology, but it's a real one.  A lot of men who cheat honestly don't believe it has anything to do with their current relationship.  Most psychiatrists would try to say he is lacking something at home or something must have happend in his childhood to make him so selfish and/or blind.  Or that he isn't intentionally doing this to hurt you. To me, none of that is the case.  I believe it has to do with maturity.  But not the type of maturity you are thinking.

Men and women are naturally sexual beings.  We feel sexual chemistry with certain people just like we have an intellectual chemistry with some people.  Can it be controlled? Yes.  But honestly, if a man or woman is going to cheat then guess what? ... There is nothing you can do to stop him/her.  We can only control our selves.  Sure, we can manipulate, but we cannot control.  All you can do is hope that he (or she) is mature enough to see what is at stake and make an informed decision.  It's not about love when it comes to cheating for men. And believe it or not, it's not always about love for women either.  It's about short-term satisfaction.  When an affair is ignited by two mature adults, that short-term satisfaction can sometimes lead to a very long-term sexual affair that doesn't consist of any love at all. It consists of an unspoken understanding between two people who know exactly what they need from eachother, and nothing more. 

Differences between men who cheat and women who cheat:

When a man cheats, they usually don't believe their woman will ever find out so they are not thinking about the consequences because they don't believe there will be any.  Love is sacred to most men, not sex.  Love is not something men easily give away, this is why they don't feel like having sex with another woman is truly cheating. Men are also terribly ignorant when it comes to women.  They think that just because we are emotional by nature, that we are emotional about sex. 

Isn't that the biggest lie ever told to men.  (lol, lmao)

Women crave sex, just like men.  Women fantasize about one-night stands that are about 1 click away from a hardcore porn movie...just like men. Women also just want to have sex and nothing else and then go home...JUST LIKE MEN.  Only difference is that we are smarter about it. 

Hey.  Men are to blame for our Master's Degree in cheating.  I mean hell, after years of watching ya'll screw up and get caught, what do you expect?

Seriously,

From what I've learned and been through all I can say is that men and women will do what they please.  I cannot control what my man does any more than he can control what I do.  If he cheats or is cheating on me I will find out when I need to.  I am not going to kill myself going on some fishing expedition through his personal stuff.  Honestly I don't have the energy or the desire to do such a thing.  When I was younger...yes, because I didn't get it and neither did he.  We needed to go through certain trials and tribulations in order for us to grow to the point where we are right now.  That point is a place where the ground is and will remain fertile.  We can still grow together, rather than having to go our separate ways. If I find out he's cheating, then he knows what he will lose, and if I were cheating on him and he found out then I know what I stand to lose. 

My philosophy is this:  If you love me and don't want to lose me, but you are cheating, then you better be willing slit your own throat to make sure I never find out.

I can't control what he does.  I am not going to kill myself trying to.  I am going to love him, be confident, trust him  (unless he proves otherwise), and be secure in my sexuality and my relationship because regardless of what he does, I WILL BE OK.

God Bless!

ps - If a relationship is abusive or if your man is cheating on you and doesn't give a damn if you know or not, then you need to get your sh!t and leave.  Even if that means going home to Momma.  Any place is better than hell.

I've been asked by some very special people to provide some of my caring and candid tips from other positions in "the triangle."  I just want to be clear to anyone who is reading my blogs; Please understand that I am not talking from some unrelated position.  I can speak on these issues because I have either already gone through them, or am experiencing them now. 

Now...on to business:

For those insecure women who are involved with a man who has a child from another woman:

1. Quit stirring up sh!t where it otherwise does not reside.  Your man and his ex are mature enough to have a civil relationship for the sake of the kid(s).  If you can't handle the heat get the hell out of the kitchen.  They have a child(ren) together.  NEWSFLASH!  Children are not grown until they are 18 years old so sit back and enjoy the ride or get off early.
2. Stop trying to find a reason to argue about the kid(s) mother with your man.  He's not going to all of a sudden start hating her just because you are insecure.
3. I would not recommend comparing yourself to her.  Please believe that if you keep bringing up how much greater you are than her, he's going to start remembering all the qualities she has that you LACK. Nostalgia is a bitch.
4. Understand that whatever they once had is now over.  However, they do have a valid and necessary reason for staying in contact.  If you keep throwing monkey wrenches in to what they have established for the kids, you will only find yourself - by yourself.  If he has to choose between you and his child's mental/emotional well-being, DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU HAVE A SHOT AT WINNING? (If you answered yes or are even thinking about the answer to that question, you are the weakest link and should think about seeing a shrink.)
5. Quit sneaking a peak at his cell phone trying to see how many minutes he spoke with her on the phone.  Making yourself go crazy trying to imagine what they must have talked about.  (hmmm, I don't know...MAYBE THE KIDS!!!)
6. Quit finding a reason to ride with him to pick-up or drop-off his kids just so you can monitor how long he stays or hear what it is they are talking about.  You don't always have to go.  And don't create an arguement just because he doesn't want you to go.  Just think about this for a minute...why the hell would he take you when he knows the way you react to the entire situation? You only make the entire situation awkward for everyone. 
7. How many arguements does it take for your man to finally leave you because he has realized you are not mature and not stable enough to be around his child(ren)? 
8. Please stop talking crazy about her in front of her kid(s).  It's unhealthy for the kid(s) to have to be subjected to your stupidity.  The kid(s) are innocent by-standers and do not deserve to be a victim of your bullsh!t. Plus, you really don't want to go there with a woman who feels you are threatening the well-being of her child.  Every life is precious...even stupid people's.
9. Finally, be woman enough to realize that you are insecure and that all of your anger/bitterness is as a result of the jealousy you harbor about the fact that he has a child with this other woman. It doesn't even have anything to do with her as a person.  Believe it or not he had a life before meeting you, but he has chosen to begin a new one with you.  If this man has allowed you to be a part of his child's life, you should honor that gift by being the WOMAN he thinks you are.
10. Go have coffee with the child's mother.  Keep a clear mind and an open heart. You'll be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.

Advice to any stereotypical, "Baby Mamma"

1. If he is a good father then understand that what happend between you two has nothing to do with the baby(ies).  Let him see his child(ren).
2. Stop trying to mess up his current relationship. You two are over. It's time you found happiness with yourself and then with someone else.  You two were not meant to be a couple. Sh!t happens. Let it go.
3. If he takes care of his children financially, and you're still on county aid, you seriously need your face slapped. Stop being a tick on the world's a$$ and get your own money.
4. Stop creating arguements to avoid facing the truth.
5. Learn how to talk and stop yelling.
6. The world doesn't want to hear about how much you want to beat his girlfriend/wife up for absolutely no reason (because you know you can't).  Keep your cell phone conversations between you and the person on the other end. Try to think back to pre-school and use your "inside voice."
7. Quit verbally abusing your children.  Especially in public. It's not their fault you've chosen to be a loser at this point in time. Change up the game and get your life back on track.
8. Please believe that kids are smarter than you think.  They know what is going on.  They will resent you later in life if you don't clean up your life and act like you have some sense.
9. County (famously known as AFDC or TANF) Aid is temporary.  Did you forget that part?  Learn a skill (or two) and get a damn job.
10. Finally - Even if your "baby daddy" isn't able to do his part financially (but does his best at the moment), and wants to be in the child's life, be the nurturer that God made you and think of what is best for the child(ren).  Money is nothing in comparison to the love that child deserves from BOTH PARENTS.

Advice to Dead-beat Dads & Scandulous Men in Relationships

1. Man-up.